Emotional day today

Today has been a real trainwreck of a day.

First of all, I struggled to get up from bed, as I'd been awake till around 2am having a warm soak trying to ease my pains and relax after work (Yes, I can work part time, but just about...).

After struggling with pains and fatigue etc, I got up and got ready to go to my one-day-a-week college class. Caught the bus, late, etc, then a song on my ipod came on. "Josh Groban - To Where You Are"  which made me blubber as it's the song we played at my grandads funeral 2 years ago (come the 16th dec).

Then I got to class and I got even more emotional and upset as we were given an assignment which was about goals and achieving them in our work roles... and what could prevent you from achieving that goal. Immediately my mind jumped to "mecfs, of course..." and how that is already preventing me from getting what I want and need out of my current course and how it's so very unlikely I'll be able to do veterinary nursing because of it. Veterinary Nursing being my career choice, etc. I am struggling with my 16hrs (average, sometimes it can go up to as far as 20 hours) at the co-op, stacking shelves, serving tills... getting sick with customers coughing into their hands and then handing me their money *shiver*. I then do around 6 hours ish at Lite Ltd, my 'college'. and then a days worth of volunteering (which I quit recently as I did NOT like the manager and the conditions I had to work in) and then assignments on top of that. Fairly 'easy' assignments too, if they wern't god damn posters which I hate and get stunted with. Veterinary Nursing would be around 35-40 hours of work and heavy assignments on top of that. At the moment (/ever depending on how things go...) it doesn't seem that I'll ever get to be a veterinary nurse. :(

Hit a momentous low today too... my tutor at Lite told me to go home and get a doctors appointment and demand to get sorted out with something. I don't think she really appreciates just how little there is out there for people like me. Antidepressants were not working for me and so I am no longer on them, or ever want to go on them again. Counselling... well the therapies I've had, I've learnt all the techniques and apply them to my life when I can, but for the most part, no, talking about me having mecfs, will not make my mecfs go away. The only positive side of therapy is that there is someone listening to you. But even then, they don't understand and tend to make remarks that are incredibly hurtful, unhelpful, or just completely irrelevant. Then there's the GET (Graded Exercise Therapy) which I might get referred to; but I didn't even get a confirmation letter back last time and you can guarantee I'm not hauling my ass over to Stockport to participate in some exercise that is more demanding than the travel there itself. Counterproductive, yet again. I've heard lots of nasty things about GET too and I'm not willing to put myself through hell because some dr thinks that going for a good ol' jog will rid me of my symptoms.

Anywho, went on a bit of a ramble. My tutor told me to ring the doctors and I did. I tried to get an appointment with the female dr I usually see. Couldn't as I'd be working the only time she was available.. rang back again when I decided I don't need to see her, any dr will do; all booked up. I turned to twitter to ask for help. Do I go to a&e when having a breakdown/feeling suicidal? Will the walk-in-centre (apparently Warrington doesn't even have one...) suffice, what can I do to get me through this time. Anywho, twitter came through for me again as a very lovely lady I speak to (who also has MECFS, but has gotten better by miles apparently!) told me to ring back the doctors and ask for the duty doctor; to basically get an urgent telephone consultation.

After waiting half an hour for him, we eventually spoke. He was soft spoken and seemed lovely and I've seen  him previously when visiting him (for my other halfs appointments)... but he kept calling my MECFS... "chronic fatigue". No, Dr, no. First thing we'll be talking about when I see him on Monday is how it is not just chronic fatigue, it's a whole range of fantastic things. As I just mentioned, we booked an appointment for Monday (much better than the "sorry, we have nothing available" rubbish I'd been given on the phone not long earlier. The Dr asked me my symptoms which I reeled off; pain, brain fog, fatigue (obviously!), depression, irritable bowel, irritable bladder... I then froze and forgot the rest, but he stopped me anyway "thats a lot...". He admitted he didn't really know much about MECFS (or "chronic fatigue" as he kept calling it) and will have to look into it some before Monday, he will look into support groups and what we can do to help me. I told him about the Perrin clinic and how I had to give that up and that was the only thing that was working for me. I told him I had taken myself off antidepressants because they were not helping and only made me sick with headaches and dizzy spells (on top of the usual!) if I missed one; which I did a lot. After going through antidepressants, he resigned to making me the appointment and saying we'll discuss more then.

I have a feeling I'm going to be fobbed off with antidepressants again; I don't think so.

Again, a friend of mine who used to have severe MECFS told me she had B12 shots which had helped her, so will bring that up and see what is said. Will ask for an indepth blood test to see if I'm lacking in anything that might help me cope some with the general shitness that is MECFS.

Sorry for the ramble, but there you go. My day so far... now I'm in dire need of some real food as I haven't eaten today, asides from a slice of ham... and onion.